Well, one day without any extra family help and we have survived. The kids got to school on time, I went to work and even took a 3mile walk when I got home. I am feeling pretty tired right now but I’ll make it to the end of the day. The one negative is that I am totally freaked out by germs now. That feeling will probably remain until I finish chemo. Ahh, the good times ahead.
I am so thankful for the help we have been given from my Dad and Step-Mom over the past week and a half. But I am really sad to see them go. Well, maybe terrified. Now I have to go back to being the more energetic me. I hope that I can do it. I hope that I can give my kids and husband everything they need. I’m tired just thinking about it. Good byes were hard on me before….now they are just awful.
I actually feel pretty normal today! Eating has been a lot easier and I spent a lot of time on my actual work today feeling as though I actually accomplished something. I also went on two walks today. One on my own at a good pace and the second with my son after he got home from school. It is funny, but when I first heard that my cancer was invasive I tried and tried to think of how I would get through this. My brillant idea at 3am was that I would get Athleta to sponsor me. I love Athleta and obviously they would want to send me clothes to wear as I chronical my struggle with chemo and get back to running the half-marathons that I love. Well, nice thought, but I’ll just do it on my own.
2.07 miles. 31:03 minutes. 15:02 min/mil
1.06 miles. 21:42 minutes. 20:28 min/mil
I think today will be a god day. The sun makes such a big difference – the promise of something good, something better. Yesterday I took a 3.5 mile walk with my Dad and Step-Mom and it felt good. It felt good to move again and to be outside. Today my brother and family are coming to visit and that too makes me smile. My sister has bought tickets to come and help with the second infusion and that makes me smile.
Now, if the mornings could just be a little bit easier. All those hours of non-eating while I try to sleep makes me feel pretty sick in the morning. It takes me so long to get going. Gone are the days where I would pop out of bed, shower, make breakfast for the kids, and then feed myself. Instead I am stuck squatting on the kitchen floor, squishing my stomach, and trying to eat. Everyone, my kids included, understands but I just feel silly. But that is the way it is for now.
I guess that I just have to get used to the new me. I’m still sad though. I feel like a shell of the old me. I don’t feel like myself. I did get outside for a walk today but it was so hard. It was hard to move. I wanted my walk to feel positive as if I was moving on from the past few days of illness but instead it just made me sad. I came home and cried. I do realize that I need to take the medication. I do realize that this is physically hard on my body. I guess I am still fighting the overall idea that this is me. That I have cancer. That this year will be hard.
This morning was difficult again but better than yesterday. I took a shower which makes a world of difference. I even requested and ate a sandwich! Maybe tomorrow I will go for a walk!
Well, I am miserable today. My poor stomach. I am thankful for family help today.